Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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