If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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