You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Still dying that you shit outside
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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