i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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