bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
