I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
