Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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