I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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