im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
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Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
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But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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