i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
