Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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