I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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