What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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