a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
