I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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