The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
