I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
