Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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