I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If I die, sorry about rent.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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