rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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