omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i think my mom watched the whole time
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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