can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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