Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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