i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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