allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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