i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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