So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
