someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
