ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
We need to get me chipped asap
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