So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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