i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
