I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
