I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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