You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
