The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
