Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
