you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
