I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
