My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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