im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We got so high we made milksteak
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
