i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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