I accidentally had phone sex last night
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
