I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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