I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
