FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
