I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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