I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
