I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
