Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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