alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
