i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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