The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
