I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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